Flipping the Big Bird

Explaining Republicans to a 4-year-old

by Alan Bisbort

Source: Hartford Advocate, June 23, 2005.

How does one explain the current Republican Party to a 4-year-old boy? I find the prospect as daunting as explaining death or sexually transmitted diseases to him.

By now, you have, of course, heard about how the Republicans in Congress have voted to slash $100 million from the budget of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting — which gives money to PBS stations around the country — and eliminate it altogether in two years. They've also slashed $23 million from shows like Sesame Street, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Between the Lions and Dragon Tales.

Any day now, I am sure I will have to explain to my bereaved son P.J. why Baby Animals & Their Fuzzy Friends is no longer on TV. If I were a Republican — ouch, just thinking that hurts my head! — I would simply adjust my belt, place both feet firmly on the floor and pontificate, "That'll show you who's the boss in America, little P.J.!" And, when Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood reruns and Postcards From Buster are disappeared soon thereafter, I would simply light up my big fat cigar, study the latest printout from my Wal-Mart stock portfolio and shout, "Quit yer blubberin', P.J.! That'll teach you a lesson or three about the dangers of being molly-coddled by the liberal lesbian agenda! If you don't like it here, why don't you move to France, Mr. Par Lay Voo?"

Surely the thought behind this legislation is to get P.J. to switch over to some wholesome right-wing Republican propaganda on the Fox Network, you know, like Jerry Springer, Maury Povich or The O'Reilly Factor, not to mention the evening comedy stylings of news anchor Brit Hume who was recently heard pooh-poohing the torture reports at the Guantanamo gulag and extolling the "delicious glazed chicken" being served to our Islamic "guests."

The online petitions to stop this PBS-bashing have lately been circulating faster than rumors of Hillary's lesbianism from the sphincters on Drudge Report. And, although I appreciate the sincerity behind such petitions, as well as the urgency of the countless other pieces of mail that plead with me to "write Pres. Bush and tell him that … " blah blah blah, I ignore them.

Write these people?! Plead with them?! Petition the Lord with prayer?! Urge them to do anything that might promote the public good?! Are you kidding me?! You, too, must be losing your minds.

Instead, I am marshaling my energies toward a way to explain Republicans to P.J. I'll probably make them characters in a scary but comical bedtime story, like "Frothing Frist," "Ham-Hock Hastert," "Crummy Rummy," "Scaly Scalia, the Scungini Meanie," "Thomas the Skank Engine Delay," "Dickie the Clown," or "Condo Lizard Rice." By the time P.J. closes his eyes and cuddles his stuffed dog, his fears will be allayed.

I have another reason for ignoring the petitions. I secretly want Republicans to slash PBS' funds. I want Jeb Bush to, as he promised this week, begin a probe of Terri Schiavo's husband. I want George W. Bush, as he promised, to give some speeches, in an effort to shore up his sinking ship of state, about our "winning Iraq." I want Condi Rice, as she promised, to be even more offensive than she has already been. I want Dick Cheney to keep insisting Saddam had WMDs and masterminded the 9/11 terror attacks. I want the Republican Congress to keep pushing their current insane agenda, slashing all that is good and noble about public governance and burning the environment.

Whatever they're doing, I want them to keep it up, er, down. This week, a CBS/New York Times poll found approval ratings for Republicans have fallen to unprecedented lows. Only 35 percent of respondents were willing to say "Yes" to the statement: "George W. Bush shares my priorities for the country." Only 19 percent said "Yes" to the same statement about Congress. Wood ticks and jellyfish get higher approval ratings than 19 percent! Let's see how low they can go! We're seeing something remarkable right now in America. It may even be a tipping point of historic dimension. With any luck, the reign of George W. Bush will be, for many years to come, the cudgel with which to bludgeon Republicans who bought into his corrupt totalitarian bastardization of democracy. Just as left-wingers after the 1930s were labeled "Stalinists," those who've enabled this national travesty will henceforth and for perpetuity be referred to as "Bushists" and their brand of thinking will be "Bushit." Just as I was finishing this column, my son ran excitedly into my office to tell me about something he's watching on TV. "Look, daddy, it's puppies … and they're playing …"

"Goddamn you, Bill Frist," I said under my breath. "Goddamn you, Republicans."

© 1995-2005 New Mass Media
reprinted from The Hartford Advocate